Grieving the old, to make space for the new

As we move through our lives, navigating adult friendships can become difficult, when we are called to let go of those that have past their use by date.

As human beings we want to hold on tightly, grasping at the reigns of our lives in relationships, careers, locations and the roles that we play. Often this gripping tendency stems from our fears of facing the unknown, and meeting too closely the very real uncertainty that underpins the existence of every human life.

We stay in friendships for far too long, even when that friendship is no longer serving us or negatively impacting how we feel, because it perpetuates the illusion that somehow things are more fixed than how we rationally know they really are.

What can be linked to these changes in certain friendships, is the shift in dynamics when we step into greater alignment with our true self. I have noticed multiple times over the last ten years how the more I evolved and stepped into a more truthful version of myself, the more empowered and strong my inner flame became, the more friendships I was called to let go of.

I found that subconsciously something deeper was at play. When I met these certain friends from a state of disempowerment, vulnerability and disconnection from my true self and inner power, this somehow served the dynamic in which we found ourselves connected. Whether their ego was boosted through the role of being needed as the healer, rescuer, or fixer, or simply, albeit unintentionally and perhaps subconsciously, feeling better about themselves as a result of where they saw me to be at, the power imbalance often lay with myself at the bottom of the seesaw and the other at the top.

As I continued to evolve, to look within and to shift, rising from the bottom of the seesaw to a more even balance point, something was dramatically altered in the dynamic at play. Perhaps even seeing me move increasingly into a more authentic version of myself and activating my own inner power, was confronting for the other person as it may have called them to reflect on where it was that they found themselves to be.

It was these friendships I observed slowly fade away, or even in some cases abruptly come to a halt, when my authentic voice emerged and my boundaries were strengthened and maintained.

Later down the track what I came to realise - through an increase in anxiety after a chance encounter from afar with an old friend - was just how much grief and sadness that these losses had activated within me.

I had invested in these friendships. I had cared deeply for them and held them in such positive regard. Had opened my heart and in some cases even my soul, to what I believed were “soul sisters” that would be lifetime friends.

And it was time for me to feel the loss. Nurture the grief. Support myself through the vacant gap of their loss that had felt amplified due to the cumulative impact of the handful of friends I had lost from that time in my life.

Yet what I also came to realise was the difference between such seasonal friendships and those longer lasting ones, who truly support your growth, evolution and empowerment and never see this as a threat. Rather they function like an authentic cheerleader of you on your path, like you similarly are of them on theirs. That there is no competition. That we are each on our own track. These friendships may not need constant contact. You may go many months or even years with out seeing one another, but deep down you know that they are always in your corner.

This made me even more deeply appreciate such true lifetime friendships, that may not be completely aligned, doing the same thing, or on the same path as oneself, but always maintaining an open heart, lovingly supporting you on yours and the other way around. And although this likely meant having fewer friends in the long run, what it also meant was only having those that were true, and that ultimately, this was a better place to be.

A more authentic one.

A place more aligned to truth.

And in time perhaps the gap left by the old would create the space for for the emergence of something new - whether it be a new friendship, a creative pursuit, hobby, or vocational contribution - that was meant to emerge in its place.